Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Nunfuckery

I know what you're all thinking: How can you assholes at Stuffed Petite consider yourselves a legitimate hilarity-of-porn blog when you don't have a single hilarious porn embedded on your site? Well, you don't have to waste your time with bullshit complaints like that any more, I have the perfect video with which to christen this shit: christian shit!



By the way, the title of this porn clip is "Please Father My Ass First" which is actually the title of the porn grammar book by the same author of "Eats Shoots and Leaves."

Monday, February 8, 2010

BOOBS BY BOOBS

so now i'm in this blog mess too. and because this thing probably has less readers than it does writers, im just gunna post up what I commented on the last post, my "application" for the porno journalist position:

• Hard Hand Job - was it covered in sandpaper or something?
• sex playtime - finally, sex gets fun
• No Looking! - well now it's not fun anymore.
• Supermarket ass fuck - unsanitary.
• oh wow. i never had it on a table - Official Porn Titler actually not that experienced.
• No lumps except the real nice ones - well duh
• ooooo, ahhh, oh yeah, ummm, ahhh, ooo, oh yeah - "ummm"?
• Now Coach Pervert gets to fuck a tight pussy - there's no way she didn't see that coming.
• Two young girls licking pussy in the sun - actually sounds rather sweet.
• My turn, no, MY turn pt 1/3 - i really wanna know who ends up winning the argument (must be in pt 3)
• Carmel Moore Claustrophobic Fuck - tonight on Fear Fucktor.
• Long Earring Anal Slut (part 4) - long earring anal is not something i can even conjure up a fake image about.
• Yoko Oh-no! She Made me Cum... - whoops?
• oh balls, they've closed both my holes - this is how i imagine people in LA talk
• If I park here no one will see me - no sex in this one, dude just finds killer parking spot.
• oh my god "THE THING" - I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE I HAVENT SEEN IT IN YEARS! ALSO, LETS HAVE SEX.
• She tries to suck the gay right out of him - hahaha.
• You realize that's no dildo right ? - it's a BRAND NEW CAR!
• That's no dildo, but I like your magic gloves - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non_sequitur_(logic)
• no panties in this house! - you must be confusing it with another house.
• It's really no laughing matter or is it - i find myself asking this quite a lot during sex.
• Perv catches beautiful ebony baby fucking in her bedroom. She resists but quickly relents - yup.
• Pussyman is man about the Honey Pots - @pussyman what you man about? #honeypots
• Slow Motion Anal Threesom - it seriously is exactly this.

and the "follow up interview":
I LoveYou More Than Plaid

happy whackin,
-boobs

Friday, November 20, 2009

WELCOME TO STUFFED PETITE

7:00 am on a Monday morning, about a year ago. Dap and I are watching internet porn together in my living room (a place with a lot of empty beer bottles and a computer) trying to think of an idea for a website. Then something weird happens: it inspires us to do something! A blog is formed. NOT JUST ANY BLOG!!!: A blog about the oddity of internet porn titling!

Looking at only the most popular and completely free pornography websites (None of these are from far-flung corners of the internet, this is the porn 12-80 year olds are looking at across the country) you will find racism, exoticism, rape, sexism, incest, pedophilia, and the simply absurd. Oh, and sometimes they just refer to what object or part of the house is nearby (one of my generic favorites). It's all really intense, and unabashed, sometimes scary, but ultimately totally hilarious (mostly). Best of all, 99% of the time the content of the clip is just two people having sex, which makes the titling so much weirder. It also says some pretty crazy things about what the porn industry thinks will draw people in. So it begins:

Every clip is interesting for its own very specific reason, so each week Dap and I will post a clip name and a link and a brief commentary. This will also be posted (probably more regularly) via tweet, because that's hella easy: http://www.twitter.com/stuffedpetite. Oh, and don't worry, I'll never write this much bullshit again.

Through a lot of hours of research, we've got a pretty hefty backlog of titles. So, although we will usually keep this current and post a link, I thought it might be a nice introduction to post some of the better names we've compiled from the past. Some with minor commentary, others speak for themselves, however poorly.

Man fucks wife and teen: This is funny simply because there's no way for whoever wrote this to know if this was that guy's wife or not. This is standard stuff.
Unhappy teen takes facials: The reluctant woman having sex is a common theme.
Angel dark enjoys a nice fucking by the indoor pool: Good for her!
Wood stick in her ass while fucking: Horrible!
Two blonds watched a sexy whore get fucked for money
Playful busty personality: This is how I imagine people in LA talk.
Peer pressure leads to sex: That's the subtitle of my novella "FUCK SCHOOL".
Ghetto slut gets throatfucked: Racist!
Raped by dean: I believe this was a college-themed thing. So it was the dean of the school, not a man named Dean.
Redhead foot fucked by old pal and takes revenge
Bad snowman has a long nose
Biker babe humiliates, torments, and tapes up submissive mechanic
Caged hooties get the pussy check: Actually pretty awesome phrasing.
Finger fucked by tarzan: Classic!
Angel ark gets an ass pounding of a good time
Penetrated asshole of a slut: Yikes!
Vaginal fun on youth party: Japanese, perhaps?
Greedy assehaving a fuck on a bar toilet: What?
Girl from Chernobyl: "A short story"
Nikki Benz at work in her vagina office: Ah, a place of refuge for many hardworking professionals.
German doctors fool a patient into sex: Suspicious.
Geek fucks rebecca: Good job, geek!
Indian feet
Busty princess wants to be cunted: A royal cunting.
Women like aida love the feeling of a nice fist "punching" their insides: Are the quotes necessary? It is a fist.
Clothed wrestling in a messy gel: Wrestling in indeterminate substances is the JAM.
She said she doesn't like it: Terrible!
Hot Rack Brooke Haven really needs to get down for the investor to trust her: In these tough economic times..
While Chick Gets Tipsy and Ordered Dude to Fuck Her Fully Clothed: Physically impossible!
Black Chick Used Like Meat: Doesn't really even mean anything!
Money Means Sex: Not really!
Mom and Daughter Bang Nerd: Good job, nerd!
Teen Slut Gets Pregnant: Is this a time-lapse porn?
Toothless Street Whore's Dying Wish: Wow.